As a Master Certified Leadership and Life Coach, Julie Stenberg, Founder of Call to Lead Coaching, knows a lot about relationships. So, when the topic of outgrowing friendships came up, we knew she could walk us through how to handle what can sometimes be a difficult or uncomfortable life transition.
It’s often stated that friends are with us for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. While that sounds simple in theory, it can be more complicated when human emotions are involved. What happens when a friendship has reached the end of its season? Let’s dive in.
There are many reasons you might feel a gradual rift with someone who was once quite close. Sometimes it’s circumstantial: a move that puts physical distance between you, a change in jobs that lessens the frequency of your interactions, or a dissolution of a romantic partnership that shakes up your circle.
Other times, there’s a direct, more personal cause. You might find yourselves growing in opposite directions and pursuing different interests—and one or the other of you isn’t willing to follow in this new path. Or, it could be more serious, such as a betrayal of trust, lack of reciprocal effort, or unacceptable behavior. In these instances, it may be easier to make a definitive split, with fair reasons that can be cited.
Some friendships also just kind of fade out without being able to pinpoint a specific reason. If you’re both on the same page, then little needs to be done except to let nature take its course.
However, if you sense that your fondness for each other is no longer mutual, then it’s time to do some soul searching. Check in with your feelings. Are you dreading your encounters? Does the other person seem to require more from you than you can give? Are there resentments stacking up that are causing bitterness? Has your friendship come down to obligation versus genuine desire to be together? None of this is healthy—for either party.
Stenberg notes that people are naturally avoidant to confrontation, and it may be enticing to just not address that there’s a problem. But, this approach, or lack thereof, doesn’t do anyone any favors.
“I'm a big proponent of speaking up when there is a concern in any relationship, because it’s practice for you to step into your own agency,” she said. “And, there’s no need to make it a blowout, or an accusatory argument. Focus instead on expressing your needs and feelings.”
To have a productive conversation, you have to know what isn’t working in the relationship and why it matters. “It really comes down to knowing yourself,” Stenberg adds.
Where it heads next depends on if you think the friendship can be saved—and if you want it to be. If you’re able to be open and honest, and the other person is able to listen and respond with appropriate action to what’s bothering you, things may not have to end.
But, most likely, if you’re ready to face reality and have a dialogue, the expectation is that you’re ready to bring this chapter to a close.
“This can be more of a general conversation rooted in maturity and respect and centered on how you’ve grown in different directions and just aren't a friendship match anymore,” Stenberg said. “You can note that that’s OK; that you’re going to continue to do what you enjoy and you hope they do the same. So, you're wishing them well, but also setting a boundary.”
If you happen to be on the receiving end and you don’t feel the same as the other person, you’re naturally going to be hurt and go through a grieving process. Stenberg reminds us that it’s necessary to experience the pain and not try to shut it down. Remember: you’ll get through it and you’ll survive—and there’s power in that.
“You almost have to create some closure for yourself, even if you can't get that from the relationship. You do it for yourself so you can build something new,” she said. “The best part is you get to build the brand-new day … you get to build the next possible friendship; the next possible relationship. And that’s really beautiful.”
Allison Kay Bannister has been a West Michigan resident since 1987 and a professional writer since 2002. A GVSU alumna, she launched her own freelance writing business in 2017. Allison is a cookie connoisseur, word nerd, aspiring gardener, and metastatic breast cancer thriver who loves traveling in Michigan and beyond, and enjoys art, world cuisine, wine, music, and making homemade preserves.
This article originally appeared in the Summer ’26 issue of West Michigan Woman.
