Have you ever felt like you’re carrying an invisible weight from all the emotional labor in your relationships? You wouldn’t be alone.
“Often, even in equitable relationships, women are still socialized to be the ‘default manager’ or the one who carries the ‘mental load’ for the family,” said Dr. Mikhila Wildey, Clinical Psychologist and owner of Resilient Relationships and Associate Professor of Psychology at GVSU. “This dynamic particularly exists in different-gender couples, where research supports that women tend to do more of the ‘invisible’ labor (the noticing, planning, and worrying) which heavily can involve anticipating needs and monitoring the household and emotional needs, whereas the more visible, task-based labor may be more evenly split.”
Dr. Wildey explains that from a young age, girls are often encouraged to be in tune with relationships and emotions (and praised for doing so), whereas boys are often more encouraged to be independent, less emotional, or problem solvers (and praised for being ‘tough’). Ultimately, this teaches which emotional behaviors are rewarded and reinforces gender roles.
“Even couples who say their household and emotional labor is equally split may end up engaging in this dynamic, with women taking on more of the emotional and cognitive labor simply because the world has trained them to be responsible for it and trained men to assume someone else is handling that domain,” Dr. Wildey shared.
EMOTIONAL LABOR VS. CARING BEHAVIORS
“Generally, caring behaviors are the visible acts of helping (making a meal, taking care of a sick child, giving a hug),” Dr. Wildey said. “Emotional labor often involves more chronic and invisible work rooted in monitoring, managing, and shaping others' emotions in the home. The distinction matters because it’s typically easier to recognize the visible behaviors vs. the invisible ones, and it’s often the invisible behaviors that can cause more emotional drain/burnout because they may not be recognized or supported by others.”
Dr. Wildey sees women who disproportionately carry the emotional burden in their relationship often experience greater exhaustion (potentially manifesting later as chronic fatigue and stress) and feeling unseen. This dynamic can lead to resentment and an emotional disconnect between partners.
“It's often less about the chores and more about feeling alone in keeping the relationship afloat,” Dr. Wildey explained.
STARTING THE CONVERSATION AND REDISTRIBUTING EMOTIONAL LABOR
Making a change in this kind of dynamic is possible, but it requires some work.
“The conversation has to start with the partner who’s feeling like they’re carrying more burden to name it and how it impacts them without blaming the other partner,” Dr. Wildey said, noting that in many cases, the other partner may not fully understand or recognize it’s even happening. “Something like, ‘I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, and I'm realizing I'm managing a lot of the emotional and mental load. I'd like to talk to you more about it—can we look at this together?’ Typically, partners respond better when they feel they aren't being blamed and when they feel invited into a shared problem.”
She also suggests making more of the invisible labor visible—a process which could include listing everything that emotional and other household labor entails (chores, scheduling, worrying, attending to emotions, managing/tracking opportunities for connection). This way, each partner can agree to take full ownership of specific domains and create new systems to more equitably redistribute this labor.
“Partners should have a weekly or bi-weekly check-in with each other to revisit how any new system they’re working to implement is feeling for each other,” Dr. Wildey recommended. “This check-in doesn't have to be long—it could be 15 minutes. If couples find they need more time, I typically recommend they schedule additional time to talk about the matter, especially if it’s something they’re afraid might create tension or conflict.”
Over time, once couples have settled into a groove, check-ins can become less frequent, although Dr. Wildey warns against them going away completely.
Beyond naming the emotional labor in your relationship and having conversations about it with your partner, Dr. Wildey stresses the importance of recognizing and remembering the root of these behaviors.
“Societal norms and gendered expectations have played a significant role in shaping these patterns,” she reminded. “Recognizing that the imbalance is partly (or perhaps primarily) rooted in societal norms versus personal flaws can reduce the blame couples may have towards one another and help them get on the same team to address the imbalance more compassionately and effectively.”
Written by Sarah Suydam, Managing Editor for West Michigan Woman.
This article originally appeared in the Spring ’26 issue of West Michigan Woman.
