A few years ago, a friend told me how grateful she was for her siblings during their father’s long illness. As they cared for him, they leaned on one another, sharing the load and responsibilities. After he passed away, they made sure their mom felt supported in the months and years that followed.
Another friend had a very different experience. When her grandmother got sick, she watched with sorrow as her mom, aunts, and uncles clashed over issues big and small. The stress of caregiving left fractures that took years to heal.
“Elder care” can mean many things, some more stressful than others. For some families, it’s as simple as driving mom to appointments or helping dad sort his medications. For others, it means round-the-clock care or moving them to a specialized facility.
As you navigate this unfamiliar territory, the people you grew up with may suddenly seem unable to agree on anything. Questions like, “Who takes charge?” “Who pays?” and “Who shows up?” can be contentious and rarely have easy answers.
Take heart. With a little planning, siblings can support one another, and avoid unnecessary quarrels, throughout the process of caring for aging parents.
Taking the Lead
Every sibling group has natural organizers. Maybe it’s the eldest, the one who lives closest, or the one with a flexible schedule. Leadership means understanding all the moving parts and creating a caregiving system that feels fair. Equally important is communication.
“When siblings work together to help a parent, everyone brings a different perspective and history with mom or dad,” said Elizabeth Eardley, Founder and President of Crossroads Eldercare Options in Grand Rapids. “It’s crucial to stay open-minded, respectful, and keep the lines of communication open.”
How families coordinate can vary. Some hold regular meetings; others prefer a group text to share updates and make decisions. The right approach depends on sibling preferences and the complexity of care.
Teamwork
Geography can complicate things. The sibling who lives nearby often handles most in-person tasks, while those farther away chip in with research, finances, or weekly check-ins. Clear agreements, even using a shared Google doc, can prevent misunderstandings before they start.
“Assign tasks based on strengths, availability, and comfort levels,” Eardley advised. “One sibling might track medications, another manage bills, and another handle errands or doctor appointments. If one person feels they’re doing most of the work, it’s important to speak up and set boundaries.”
Money Matters
Caregiving comes with a price tag, and expenses can add up quickly. That’s why it’s important to talk candidly about what your parents can cover, where shortfalls exist, and how costs will be shared. Transparency and respect help protect both budgets and relationships.
Don’t skip expert advice: consult with an elder law attorney. Their guidance can be invaluable for creating an estate plan, setting up a living trust, or clarifying powers of attorney.
“Ideally, parents have everything spelled out in advance, so adult children aren’t forced to make those decisions,” Eardley said.
But if plans aren’t already in place, don’t wait to seek advice.
“Knowledge is power,” she added. “Understanding all the options can prevent ‘if only I had known’ regrets later.”
Managing Emotions
Caregiving stirs strong emotions and regular sibling check-ins can help keep small disagreements from turning into long-term rifts. If tensions rise, a neutral facilitator, like a social worker, counselor, or geriatric care manager, can help everyone stay on track.
Caring for the Caregiver
Caregivers should ask for help and take breaks when they need them.
“In West Michigan, we’re blessed with resources for families and adult children,” said Eardley. “At our office, we match families with moving services, counseling, durable medical supplies, and more.”
Navigating the Path Forward
Caring for aging parents is rarely simple, and no family handles it perfectly. The good news, as Eardley points out, is that families don’t have to rush decisions or face them alone.
“One of the nice things you can do when you’re not in a hurry is explore what the options look like,” she said. “You can educate yourself and take down the walls your parents may have built out of fear they’ll be forced into something they don’t want.”
That knowledge helps families make decisions with confidence and compassion. Whether exploring independent living or helping parents stay comfortable at home, caregiving isn’t just about logistics. It’s about how your family moves forward together, with understanding and respect, making thoughtful choices for whatever comes next.
HELPFUL RESOURCES:
- Crossroads Eldercare Options | crossroadseldercare.com
- They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy by Francine Russo
- Caregiver.org
Kirsetin Morello is a Michigan-based author, speaker, writer, travel-lover, wife and grateful mom of three boys. Read more about her at www.KirsetinMorello.com.
This article originally appeared in the Winter ‘25/’26 issue of West Michigan Woman.
