It's critical to offer understanding, support and unconditional love to your child if they choose to come out to you.
That experience for Ollie Robison (xe/he/they), Healthcare Coordinator, Grand Rapids Pride Center, was a long and complex one, coming out multiple times in different ways to the same people.
"I came out as a lesbian in high school after I was outed and was facing anti-gay violence as a result," Robison shared. "I was 15 years old and was terrified, and actually passed out as soon as I said the words, 'Mom, I'm gay.'"
Robison then came out again in their mid-twenties after being married to a cisgender man for four years as a way to hide their sexuality, and once more in their mid-thirties as transgender and two-spirit. Each time, Robison experienced the fear of losing everything, just in different ways.
"I was terrified again of losing my children, my family ... everyone," Robison recalled. "I came from a fairly conservative background and the two people who had been my champions of unconditional love had passed away by this time."
Unfortunately, Robison wasn't met with open arms from everyone in their life upon coming out.
"My mom has said a lot of very hurtful things over the course of my life as a result of me being queer," said Robison, who has since lost contact with their mother. "She told me that I'm unlovable, that I'm mentally ill, that I'm a bad parent, that I'm a test from God, and that she doesn't know what she did to deserve me—in the bad way. My dad was unsurprised each time I came out, and defended me to my mom when he was home and she was being particularly spiteful. He was a buffer of sorts, which was helpful and kind."
Robison refuses to be anything other than visibly and publicly out as an unapologetic queer person, and still regularly speaks with their father today.
"It's critically important for all households to have open dialogue about sexuality and gender identity alongside medically accurate and scientifically accurate sex education," Robison said, noting this open dialogue is important to raising kids who are confident and can ask questions in a safe environment. "You don't know if your kid is queer until they tell you they are, so having that open dialogue ahead of time allows them the safety of knowing that they're going to be accepted if they are."
The first three things Robison suggests doing if your child comes out to you: Take a breath. Hug your child. Love your child wholly and unapologetically. From there, seek external support.
"Seek an online and in-person support space to ask all of the uncomfortable questions," Robison suggested. "Get yourself into therapy to fix your shock, uncertainty and fears. Do your best not to show the parts that are hard for you to your child. That makes it harder on them and makes them feel less supported and less loved."
Mistakenly, parents often seek a source of blame or a "why" when their child comes out.
"While seemingly benign, this delivers a message that there's something wrong with your child," Robison said. "Another common mistake is turning the dialogue into ways this impacts the parent or family. It sends the message that there's something shameful that needs to be hidden."
Ultimately, Robison emphasized the importance of being that person for your child—the one who will fight for their rights and defend them against hateful people ... even if those people are family.
"Loving someone is an action," Robison said. "I remember when my mom told me she was in therapy to 'learn how to love me' and how badly that hurt.
"Being queer isn't a bad thing. It's not a shameful thing. It's a beautiful thing, and to be a parent to such a wonderful, beautiful part of the diaspora that being queer encompasses should be a source of pride. Your child is strong, resilient and beautiful just as they are. Give them grace, and give yourself a little grace, too."
Robison recommends doing your due diligence to build your own support network, and advises against going through your child to find resources unless they approach you directly with them. Some local options:
- The Grand Rapids Pride Center | grpride.org
- Out On The Lakeshore | outonthelakeshore.org
- OutFront Kalamazoo | outfrontkzoo.org
- PFLAG | pflag.org/meetings
Written by Sarah Suydam, Managing Editor for West Michigan Woman.
This article originally appeared in the Apr/May '25 issue of West Michigan Woman.
