Let's be honest: Disney movies have given stepparents a bad rap.
From Cinderella to Enchanted, the wicked stepmother is a fairy tale staple. But in real life? Stepparents are simply people who fell in love with someone who already had children—and they're often eager to build a strong, loving connection with their new partner's kids.
Stepparenting may not come with a magic wand, but with the right mindset and tools, it can be incredibly rewarding. The first step? Acknowledge that everyone involved brings their own emotional baggage to the table, whether the new marriage follows a divorce, separation or loss.
While there's no secret formula for success, these key principles can help you build healthy and lasting relationships.
DO Consider Therapy. Therapy is a game-changer when it comes to navigating stepfamily dynamics. "If you're struggling with co-parenting conflicts, having your own therapist is essential," said psychotherapist Hillary Morgan, MA, LPC, of Mindful Counseling in Grand Rapids. "You don't want the child to become the middle person."
Stepparenting can also trigger past wounds—especially if your own childhood wasn't stellar. Therapy can help you gain self-awareness so you can let go of the past and focus on building a positive future with your stepchild.
DO Prioritize Clear Communication. Let's face it—kids thrive on structure. "When kids move between households, it's essential for everyone to agree on rules, responsibilities and discipline," explained Morgan. Regular family meetings between parents and stepparents help keep things running smoothly. The more consistent you can be, the better! And be sure the child knows exactly what to expect from their stepparent relationship. "Communication builds trust amongst all parties."
DO Take Your Time. In your eagerness to build a connection, it's tempting to want instant results. But rushing a relationship never works. "Try not to expect too much, too soon," warned Morgan. "Forcing a relationship can create obstacles that are difficult to overcome." Patience wins!
DON'T Badmouth the Other Parent. This might seem obvious but it sure can be tempting. Resist the urge to vent—even if the other parent is causing drama. Remain calm and positive to avoid creating a rift. The wisdom of the ages is right: Being the bigger person pays off.
DO Create a Safe Space. Younger kids thrive on connection and commitment. Get involved in their favorite activities. Then show up when you say you will! With teens, it's also about respecting their autonomy. "Teens value independence and identity," explained Morgan. "The best way to support them is by asking questions and listening to their answers." The key? Really listen and try to understand their feelings. When teens feel heard, it helps them feel safe and respected—and that's when real trust can blossom.
DON'T Jump into Discipline Before Building Rapport. "You can't expect anyone to listen to you if you haven't established a relationship first," said Morgan. Building relational equity takes time but is crucial if you want to be an effective, supportive stepparent.
DON'T Resort to Bribery. Sure, buying gifts might seem like a shortcut to bonding, but it can lead to manipulation—and a shallow relationship. Building something real and lasting? That takes presence, not presents.
DO Celebrate Small Wins. Bonding doesn't happen overnight. As you begin to build your relationship, your stepchild might lash out, withdraw or test boundaries. Instead of getting discouraged, celebrate small victories—a laugh at the dinner table, a compliment or even just a pleasant chat. It's all progress!
DO Respect Grief. Grief is unique and it doesn't follow a set timeline. If your stepchild has lost a parent, let them guide the pace of the relationship. "They might not be ready or capable of creating a relationship yet," explained Morgan. Again—be patient. They may need space and time to warm up to you.
Every stepparenting journey is unique and it won't always feel like you're headed towards a fairy tale ending. But by working on these "dos and don'ts," you can lay the foundation for a relationship that's built to last.
"There's no one-size-fits-all solution," Morgan reiterated. "But patience, inner work and strong communication are your best tools." Keep your eye on the long-term goal: showing up, being consistent and letting love grow in its own time. Now that's a happily ever after worth celebrating!
Need a Therapist?
- Find a therapist for yourself or the whole family. Check out PsychologyToday.com, where you can search by specialty, insurance and more.
Expert Picks for Stepparents
- Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy (Morgan's go-to for all parents—step or biological!)
- Being a Stepfamily, by Patricia Papernow
Kirsetin Morello is a Michigan-based author, speaker, writer, travel-lover, wife and grateful mom of three boys. Read more about her at www.KirsetinMorello.com.
This article originally appeared in the Oct/Nov '24 issue of West Michigan Woman.
