My little boy was only four and a half years old when his father and I separated. It was important to both of us to show civility and cooperation in front of our son, despite the emotional turmoil of the separation. For the first month or two, we moved him back and forth between us, trying to each get enough time with him and also show that we could be respectful of each other’s time with him. Looking back, we had no idea what we were doing.
I now understand what we did wrong and how this schedule neglected to provide our son with what he needed. It soon became obvious that this “two days on, three days off, four days on, three days off” schedule was just plain confusing to a four-year-old child, and was doing more harm than good.
One afternoon, his father called me in a panic … Our son was at preschool/daycare and got into an aggressive altercation on the playground with another kid. “My son?” I asked. No. My precious, sensitive little man would never act out that way. Yet, sure enough … he did. I was now faced with a very difficult reality: The divorce was affecting my child in a negative way.
For those of you reading this, you are probably rolling your eyes and saying, “Well, no kidding, lady. What did you think was going to happen?” Well, in all honesty, he had been acting like a totally normal kid. I didn’t see any signs of hurt, anger, or sadness about the divorce. What I failed to consider was that he was only four! He didn’t yet have the capabilities to articulate these feelings.
This situation forced me and his father to band together and form a plan that best suited our son’s needs, not necessarily ours. After all, he was the most important person in all of this. This required putting aside our differences and communicating like adults regarding the health and well-being of our little boy.
Our plan of attack:
- Talk to our son every day about how he is feeling, in a way that he can understand.
- Answer his questions and reassure him that we love him and neither of us will ever leave him. We do this every day.
- Talk positively about the other parent and about how much he/she loves him.
- Immediately get on a set schedule: Week on/week off works for us. He understands it, and it is a more stable and predictable schedule for him.
- His father and I communicate regularly about his moods and things he says, and we try to stay in front of major misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Once in a while I will write notes about how much I love him and that I will always be his mommy. He carries the note in his pocket and can look at it throughout the school day.
- Consider our son first. We disrupted his world. He didn’t ask for the divorce; now, he has to live with our choices.
- If I’m having a bad day, or his father is, we keep it to ourselves. We don’t make our problems his problem.
- We maintained the parental disciplinary role. We took away the “super hero” movies and games and enforced consequences for bad behavior. This type of hero-play was too violent. And because of how he was personally processing the divorce, this contributed to him acting out.
Parenting in the midst of a divorce is tough! You have to watch and listen to your children, and consider things from their perspective. Contact their teachers to see how they act in school. Keep the lines of communication open and take a proactive approach, reassuring them of your love and devotion.
Please write in and give your suggestions. We can all learn from each other. Be strong and live well.
Written by: Jessica Holland is a guest blogger for West Michigan Woman. This is the third in her several-week series of blogs related to her firsthand experience with divorce and the lifestyle change that comes with it. Click here to read her first blog, Divorce: Decision Day. Click here to read her second blog, Divorce: Now What? Check back weekly for her perspectives and advice!
