While the holidays can bring much joy, they can also be a stressful time for many. Learn why setting boundaries during this time is so important, how you can avoid feeling overwhelmed by it all and tips for navigating conflict and letting go of comparison this holiday season.
According to Nicole LaPlena, Ph.D., DLLP, Clinical Psychology Fellow at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services, people can identify early signs of holiday-related stress by recognizing changes in appetite, such as eating much more than usual or going for more unhealthy foods than you typically would grab.
"If you usually go for a healthy breakfast and you're finding yourself in the Dunkin' drive-thru line most mornings, something may be array," Dr. LaPlena said. "Other signs could include being more irritable or cranky than usual, being more restless or fidgety, having a hard time relaxing, having a more difficult time falling or staying asleep or having stressful dreams."
Many folks struggle with setting boundaries during the holiday season, as well, seeing as it's a busy time of year; being pulled in one direction or another can certainly feel very exhausting, very quickly. However, it's imperative to make your limits known.
"If you don't know how to say 'no,' you could end up saying 'yes' to every social event you are asked to attend and can burn yourself out," said Dr. LaPlena. "If you wear yourself too thin, it can impact how you are able to show up to events that you actually want to attend. It's not fun to socialize when you really just want to be relaxing at home."
It's important to be able to effectively communicate your limits with relatives and friends.
"To avoid the guilt, you have to reframe what saying 'no' means to you. Is saying 'no' a bad thing? If you don't have it in you to do what someone is asking of you, it's better to say 'no' than to say 'yes' and only show up half-way. Saying 'yes' when we want to say 'no' can also lead to resentment."
Dr. LaPlena recommends setting realistic expectations for yourself and others, not signing up for more than you're capable of and taking breaks to do restorative activities.
"That may look like alone time, watching your favorite tv show or walking your dog," Dr. LaPlena said. "Overall, have compassion towards yourself and recognize that the holiday season is temporary, and it will pass. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and other calming activities may also be helpful for managing that physiological stress."
And while it's natural to compare yourself to others, it's vital to not play the comparison game with others in your life and those you follow on social media.
"Remind yourself why you are celebrating the holidays and what the purpose is. Is your goal to have the most stunning table setting or is your goal to have positive memories with your family members?" Dr. LaPlena said, acknowledging that it's easy to get distracted by the aesthetics of the holiday season or extravagant things that other people are doing to celebrate. "Remind yourself of what you're trying to achieve through your holiday celebrations. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are doing your best with what you have, and that is all you need to do!"
If you're feeling isolated or lonely during the holidays, Dr. LaPlena says it's important to lean on your community and let them know what you need, as purposefully isolating yourself won't help you feel more connected.
"While it can be vulnerable and difficult to reach out to friends and family for support, it can also be rewarding—if they're supportive, healthy relationships)," she said. "You can tap into all of your communities, whether it's a running club, religious organization or hobby related group. For some people, it may be too vulnerable to say you are struggling, and that's OK! Reaching out can also look like asking someone to grab coffee with you or spend some time with you, without explaining why you are seeking more connection. If you are really struggling with emotions and don't have a safe space to express them, you can seek out therapy services or local groups (e.g., grief groups)."
Holiday gatherings are unfortunately also times when tensions can be high and conflicts come to a head. Dr. LaPlena says that if someone tends to be difficult or judgmental and argumentative, don't expect them to suddenly change this holiday season.
"You may also want to set the expectation that certain topics aren't discussed if you know that it won't be a productive conversation. Try to let things go so you can have an enjoyable holiday season," she explained, adding that if the person isn't healthy for you to be around, consider leaving the gathering and decompressing at home.
"While some people can disagree kindly, others can't, and sometimes you just need to walk away from the conversation. Also, it's important to manage your own emotions and recognize how you may be contributing to the conflict or tension."
Of course, holiday gatherings may not be the best time or place to have heated conversations, so Dr. LaPlena suggests taking some deep breaths, reminding yourself of why you are all together, and trying to communicate in a healthy, calm manner.
In addition to potential disagreements with loved ones, parents might also be feeling the pressures of creating the "perfect" holiday season for their children.
"It's a reality that children do talk to one another and compare their experiences. However, that doesn't mean that you need to overextend to try and give your child the same experience their peers may be having," Dr. LaPlena shared. "This can be an opportunity to talk to your kids about comparison, and how important it is to be grateful for what you do have. You always get to choose if you want to focus on what you have or what you are lacking.
"The perfect holiday experience is going to be the experience that is most aligned with your family values. For you, that might look like having a family game night and laughing, and for another family that might look like going on a beach vacation. Accepting that you can only do so much for your children is important, and models for your children how they can respond in similar situations."
The holiday season can also be a difficult time for many, with Dr. LaPlena explaining how this time of year can stir up a lot of grief because we often are reminded of our loved ones who are no longer with us.
"It can be helpful to talk about the person you lost, share happy memories, play their favorite game, or make their favorite dish," she said. "While talking about the person can be painful, it can also be healing. It's OK to be sad during the holidays. Talking about the changes this year can be helpful in processing some of that grief. This also applies to loss related to divorce, such as not having your kids with you for a certain holiday due to custody agreements."
Remember: Ultimately, the holidays are supposed to be an enjoyable time.
"Check in with yourself and try to re-orient your attention towards your values and the purpose of getting together with friends/family when you notice that the stress is outweighing the fun of it all," Dr. LaPlena said. "Try your best to ignore the little things that don't go how you were hoping. Overall, do what you need to do for your own wellbeing, not what other people think you need to do."
Written by Sarah Suydam, Managing Editor for West Michigan Woman.
