Nikki Deene* felt her world come crashing down the night she discovered her husband was obsessed with watching pornography—using it up to four hours a day, which led to the one-night stand she learned about that same night.
"He confessed that there had been other one-night stands and that he had a severe porn addiction."
Hearing Deene's story, of a marriage she thought was built on trust and love but was filled with secrecy and deception, tugs at the heartstrings. It's enough to make many people condemn any use of pornography: sexually explicit material, including pictures or words, moving or still.
Porn is a controversial topic, especially in a conservative community. While many readers may object to the idea that using any type of sexually explicit material is OK, a 2018 study found 73 percent of women and 98 percent of men surveyed had used porn in the past six months.
Still, it's easier for people to admit using porn on an anonymous survey than over coffee. "There aren't many people who will honestly share about their appropriate use of sexually explicit materials," said Sharon Depcinski, LMSW, Grand Rapids Specialty Therapy.
One reason for the reticence? Sexuality in this culture is taboo. "Sexuality is normal," explained Depcinski. "Sometimes people have normal reactions to a picture or a movie and are turned on by it, but then feel shame and guilt."
Another reason people hesitate to discuss the use of porn? They've repeatedly heard anecdotes, not facts.
"Some common myths are that porn creates sexual deviants, leads to rape, pedophilia, or other paraphilias," said Nisha McKenzie PA-C, IF, CSC, Director of the Center for Women's Sexual Health and Grand Rapids OB/GYN. "The availability of porn has vastly increased from 2000 – 2015, yet data shows a decrease in social issues during the same time frame to include sexual assault, divorce, suicide, and child sexual exploitation."
Porn is often blamed for causing marital issues, although porn itself may not be the problem. "The problem might be feelings of, 'I don't like my body,' 'I'm afraid you'll have an affair,' 'I don't feel desired,' or 'I don't want you having sexual pleasure without me,'" explained McKenzie.
If you're in a relationship, honesty and communication are key factors in healthy porn use. "I'd consider it unhealthy if one partner is engaging with pornography without first having a discussion with the partner," said McKenzie.
This was certainly the case for Deene, whose husband's secret, obsessive porn use—and multiple one-night stands—shattered her trust and led to the dissolution of her marriage.
"I recognize that pornography in and of itself is not evil, and some couples can watch together and have it enhance their love life," Deene said. Still, her husband's betrayal and infidelity were too much.
"I left because I realized that I would never forgive him. I would never trust him again."
"Before people partake in porn, they should have a healthy groundwork regarding their bodies, their relationships, their sexuality, and diversity," McKenzie said, noting children do not typically have this groundwork and porn is intended for adults. "When partners don't talk about porn use, it can create secrecy and isolation, which further fuels concerns about its impact."
"When porn is used in a positive manner," McKenzie adds, "it can foster a sense of trust, openness, loving and respectful disagreement, and common vocabulary around sexual issues, values, and wants."
The bottom line: "If porn is interfering with your life, job, relationships; you're doing it instead of maintaining physical relationships; or you're self-stimulating often enough that you're becoming raw from it, that's unhealthy," Depcinski said.
In that case, it could help to speak with a therapist or counselor certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. "An AASECT-certified sex therapist will help foster a conversation to enhance understanding for both parties," McKenzie said.
"When people understand the underlying and driving forces, they're able to make decisions to improve both themselves and their relationships."
* Not her real name.
MYTH: Watching porn causes erectile dysfunction.
FACT: Men who masturbate to porn may have trouble with delayed ejaculation.
The likely culprit isn't the porn, but the tighter grip they can use during masturbation, as opposed to the sensation from vaginal sex.
RESOURCES
- Find certified sex therapists, counselors and educators: AASECT
- REAL Your Brain on Porn
Kirsetin Morello is a Michigan-based author, speaker, writer, travel-lover, wife and grateful mom of three boys. Read more about her at www.KirsetinMorello.com.
This article originally appeared in West Michigan Woman.
