I was twenty-one years old when I met my ex-husband. He proposed to me after dating for three months, and we tied the knot a year later. I conformed to what many young Midwestern women did, by graduating college and running to the altar.
I had a somewhat limited dating history before I met my ex-husband. I had two serious high school boyfriends. That was about it. Now, at age thirty-four, in the new age of social media and technology at our fingertips, I entered the dating scene … GULP. I was mortified and petrified to “date after divorce.”
My introduction to dating was less than impressive. Not what you all wanted to hear, huh? It was either raining down with offers or it was dry and desolate as a desert. And apparently, a woman in her thirties becomes attractive to all sorts of men … and all age ranges. It was just plain weird at times. I had men in their twenties ask me out, men in their fifties, and very few in between. I found the younger ones lacking maturity and experience, and the older ones (older than fifty) looked older than my father (who has youthful Bolivian genetics). One man sent me flowers after seeing my picture on LinkedIn. Another guy reached out to me on LinkedIn, acting like he wanted my marketing expertise, except that I quickly discovered his intentions were not honorable. (By the way, when did LinkedIn become a dating site?) The list of strange encounters goes on. I was discouraged and frustrated and NOT INTERESTED.
Also, was I really ready to date? I went on a few coffee introductions and a few lunches, and that’s where it stopped. The promise I made to myself early on was that if something felt wrong or forced, I was OUT! I remember one particular experience: A really nice guy I met at church asked me to coffee. I thought it would be good for me to get out and meet someone else, and maybe I would get a friend out of it. Well, I felt really uncomfortable and forty-five minutes later, I got back in my car and cried my eyes out. He did nothing wrong; I just wasn’t ready and he wasn’t the right guy.
Around January 2013, one of my dearest soul sisters was going through a divorce. I remember talking to her on the phone and lamenting my disgust with trying to date. I love her response: “Jessica, spend time alone. Get to know yourself. Don’t compromise who you are or what you want. Love yourself; be by yourself.” Hearing that from her was just what I needed. It was like a message from God and I do believe I heard angels singing.
I took her advice. I painted. I made jewelry. I booked two trips to get the heck out of town and do what was on my to-do list. I started investing time in me and you will never guess what happened. Out of the blue in February I received a text followed by a phone call from a man—a friend of a co-worker. It turned out we had a lot in common and a similar experience with divorce. He invited me to coffee and I said yes. And you want to know what? I didn’t run. I didn’t cry. I found someone AMAZING and we have been together for a solid eight months now.
Here are my takeaways:
- Be patient.
- Don’t just date to date.
- It’s OK to say "no thank you."
- Don’t accept invitations from men whom you have never met, or who don’t take the time to get to know you.
- Trust your instincts every time.
- Say yes when it feels right.
What are some of your dating stories? I still believe in a happy ending. Be strong and live well.
Written by: Jessica Holland is a guest blogger for West Michigan Woman. This is the third in her several-week series of blogs related to her firsthand experience with divorce and the lifestyle change that comes with it. Click here to read other blogs in her series and check back weekly for her perspectives and advice!
